This guy named Dimitri Arleri has some crazy magician-like card dexterity and does amazing card tricks in this video to opera music.  I bet this guy gets invited to a lot of parties with this jazz, er opera.

A man who thought he was a ninja scaled a metal fence, but alas he wasn’t a ninja and was impaled by said fence. We have all been there, right!? Anyone!?

A drunk-off-her-ass Boston woman fell on the train tracks as the subway train was approaching, and lived, barely. Wow! Luckiest drunk ever!

#88. Kiss Freak! with Tongue! Pucker Up! #58. Dog.

James Kuhn is an artist that likes to paint his face intricately into representations of paintings, scenes, or just plain weird ass shit.

The face on the right is absolutely awesome and wrong, with his mouth representing the dog’s ass! Check out more of his faces by checking out his Flickr set.

Via BoingBoing.

A semi truck driver with a full cargo of pears reportedly took the S-curve on the Bay Bridge a little too fast this morning and “BLAM-O!” He drove his truck through the concrete barrier and off the bridge plummeting some 200 feet to his death. I have not driven the new S-curve, but those that have claim that it is hairy for cars at more than 45MPH and according to authorities the truck was traveling in excess of 50MPH with a full cargo of pears!

Still, you would think that truck drivers, who drive for a living, would have a better sense of braking distances for their cargo than the average person. If you ask me, this guy just fell asleep at the wheel at 3:30am. RIP.

The Bay Bridge is closed because of a broken cable and Caltrans has no idea how long it will take to fix it. Needless to say, BART, ferries, and other highways were filled beyond capacity with commuters. SFGate has great photos of the mess during this morning’s commute.

Westfield has been trying to figure out what the hell to do with the Metreon since they acquired it in 2006. They stated last year that they would concentrate on making the Metreon a “food and culture” destination.  In their defense, we saw them open a small farmer’s market on the property that has been well received.  However, Tavern on the Green filed for Chapter 11 and announced that they would not be taking the fourth floor.  Also, the Firewood Cafe closed in the food court on the ground level.  Not good. The Metreon is still in decline.

The answer: open a Target on the second floor. An effing Target!? Stay tuned.

I had no idea that existed until I got an email from someone to check out their commercial on Vimeo. These guys aren’t your dad’s courier service.  They will deliver whatever you want from point A to point B anywhere in the city for prices starting at around $6.  According to their Yelp review, they’ve delivered hot pizzas from the Mission to Japantown! They are fast! So, if you are outside the delivery zone of your favorite restaurant, just call these guys.  They are like, but hopefully not so much that they will go out of business soon.  Hungry!? Call them!

WTF is Dairy Drink?

WTF is Dairy Drink? Via BoingBoing.

Reason #17 not to ride on a Muni bus: fighting. And don’t even think that the driver provides you with any protection whatsoever. After all of this craziness, the driver did not call the police or report the fight. People have been beaten worse than this, and even stabbed, without any trace of a police report or video of the assailant. Thankfully, this fight was caught on video and posted on Youtube. Now there is a pending Muni investigation. Stay safe San Francisco.

Last month, somebody tried to assassinate a Saudi prince by exploding a bomb stuffed in his ass. He pretended to be a repentant militant, when in fact he was more like a “propellant” militant.  The suicide ass bomber exploded and just shocked the hell out of the Saudi Prince who escaped with only had minor injuries. (Via Bruce Schneier, really funny comments there).

For years, I have made the joke about Richard Reid: “Just be glad that he wasn’t the underwear bomber.” Now, sadly, we have an example of one. Lewis Page, an “improvised-device disposal operator tasked in support of the UK mainland police from 2001-2004,” pointed out that this isn’t much of a threat for three reasons: 1) you can’t stuff a lot of explosives into a body cavity, 2) detonation is, um, problematic, and 3) the human body can stifle an explosion pretty effectively (think of someone throwing himself on a grenade to save his friends).

We should all buy stock in latex glove companies because I can just see the TSA reacting to news of this attack with rectal exams U.S.  fliers. Er, we are looking for asshole bombs, sir! I guess it’s all in the messaging, maybe it will be touted as “free colon cancer screenings by trained professionals.”

Update: Below is a news story about the ass bomber that is bordering on hysteria.

A couple in Arizona takes bath time photos of their kids to a local Wal-Mart.  An obviously highly trained Wal-Mart employee decides that the photos are porn and notifies police.  The local police agree and investigate; child protective services take away kids for a month; the parents lose their jobs and are placed in the Arizona sex offenders registry; and the parents spend $75k in legal bills.  At the end of the day, the the couple were cleared of charges and now, they are suing Wal-Mart.

If you ask me, they should probably sue the local police department detectives that agreed with a Wal-Mart employee and launched an investigation.  Realistically, this should have stopped after the first phone call instead of snowballing into arrests, investigations, and criminal charges.

Should parents fear printing bath time photos from now on?

My wife googled the spelling of the word despair a few nights ago while writing in her baby journal.  Yes I am not kidding. Thankfully, she came across the site The site allows you to order “demotivational” posters as a 16-month calendar and while browsing through them some look really funny.  Even funnier, the guy that runs the site puts together demotivational corporate videos that are really funny.  I think I will be buying a calendar later today.

A student in Baltimore was burglarized.  The burglar returned later the same evening and instead of calling police, the student confronted the burglar with what is being described as a Samurai sword. It could have been a ninja sword. The burglar lunged and the student killed the burglar, damn near hacked the burglar’s hand off with the sword. Moral of the story: don’t steal from a ninja.

Kanye West lost his fucking mind and decided to take the mic from Taylor Swift at the VMAs while she’s giving her acceptance speech to say that Beyonce’s video was better!  Even Beyonce was like “what a dick!”  Watch the video and read her lips, that’s exactly what she says.  Kanye was instantly booed and, according to reports, tossed from the event.  Taylor Swift was seen crying backstage shortly after.  What an asshole! (Link to video via Defamer)

Senator Al Franken drew a pretty accurate free hand map of the United States at the Minnesota State Fair.  I bet that very few people in congress could do this just for their own state, let alone the whole country!  Wouldn’t it be cool if this was a requirement to get into congress!  I think there would be some very different, and likely smarter, people in office.

Bat-Shit-Crazy Phillip Garrido wrote and recorded love songs to young girls that he gave to a business acquaintance.  The business acquaintance claims that Garrido wrote these while in prison for a kidnap and rape conviction and believes “some of the lyrics could reflect a predilection for young girls.”  Some of the sick lyrics are:

“For every little girl in the world, they want to be in love, yeah…Please tell me that you want me…The way she walks, yeah, subtle, sexy. What can I do? I fall victim too. A little child, yeah, look what you do.”

What a sick fuck this guy is!  I can’t believe it took this long to catch this bastard.  The fact that he had a chance to record a 2-disc, 20 song album to little girls is proof positive that this guy thought he was untouchable by law enforcement. Life in prison with no possibility of parole is the only sentence for this crazy mofo.

The L.A. wildfires are coming “Straight Outta Mordor.” Via BoingBoing.

On September 6th and 7th, there is a company named that is sponsoring free tattoos throughout tattoo studios in San Francisco.  The catch, the tattoo has to be a company brand name or logo.  I know there are a lot of Apple-faithful in the city that would jump at the chance of getting an Apple on their person.  If you want one too, just go to the website and sign up for the free tattoo of your choice.

Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen in this video from the Lonely Island’s new album Incredibad.  Pretty funny but NSFW, especially if your boss is nearby.

By now you have heard the story of how Phillip Craig Garrido kidnapped an 11-year-old girl in Lake Tahoe 18 years ago and fathered two kids with her (ew!).  He kept the kidnap victim and her offspring in his backyard compound with makeshift building and tents (double ew!).  Many of his neighbors didn’t even know there were kids living on his property.

He was already known as an oddball by many who knew him, based on interviews of people that knew him in the last couple of days. Well, he wasn’t going to be happy just be a kidnapping rapist, he wanted to be the voice of God.  This psycho mofo kept a blog! A scary effing blog called Voices Revealed where he claims that God has given him the ability to talk in tongues, links to an UCLA study that supposedly prove he’s not crazy for “hearing voices” in his head, and a “package of information” addressed to attorneys, universities, and law enforcement.

In the information package he claims to have “new insight that has the potential of helping people who hear voices to possibly stop and reexamine their thinking before committing a violent act on themselves and/or others”  by including  notarized and signed affidavits from six people that he knows (whom he probably scared the shit out of to sign them).

Uh, sure I’ll sign it Phillip as long as you leave my store!

This guy is crazy-as-bat-shit!

Garrido’s quote from jail, “In the end, this is going to be a powerful, heartwarming story…my life has been straightened out. Wait till you hear the story of what took place at this house. You’re going to be absolutely impressed. It’s a disgusting thing that took place with me at the beginning, but I turned my life completely around.”

Uh, yeah it will warm *your* heart when the lethal injection hits it.  We’re waiting to hear the story from the victim!  When are we going to hear her speak about her ordeal?

A Seattle woman has sued magician David Copperfield, contending he sexually assaulted and threatened her while she was a guest on his private island in the Bahamas.  I don’t know what is more shocking, the accusation or the fact that this mofo can make enough money to buy an effing island in the Bahamas!  An island!? Craziness.

President Obama says on being a dad that “all it takes is a few minutes of your time.”  WTF!?  Are his kids genetically engineered to sleep and be quiet?  Am I doing something wrong?  I can tell you after being a dad for five weeks that it takes a helluva lot longer than a few minutes.  Try like four to five hours per day.  Uh, that’s like 300 minutes each day! *Sigh* I guess all politicians see the world through rose colored glasses.

Usain Bolt shattered his own world record in the 100 meters in Germany earlier today with a 9.58 second performance.  This man is an alien. (Link)

There were no skate commercials when I was growing up.  Let alone sweet ones like this one.  This extended commercial features P. Rod and Ice Cube and even has a guest appearance by Kobe.  I don’t even skate and I would consider getting a pair of these kicks.

On Wednesday, I headed to Justin Hermann Plaza to see The Shack’s Laptop event. Instead, when I got there I saw a skydiving event (see SFGate story, see my video) that was happening to promote a new T-Mobile’s new phone.  You will notice in the still frame below that The Shack’s giant laptop was not operational during the skydiving event.  And to tell you the truth, I didn’t hang out afterward to see them turn the laptop on.  Looks like The Shack got the shaft!

Lonely Laptop at Skydiving Event

Tron was the first true feature film to feature computer animation even before Photoshop!  They had to create rotoscoped film transparencies to put each composite frame together frame-by-frame for every frame in the film.  Some simple frames had like 6 transparencies, but the more complex frames had like 25 transparencies.  The film was 100 minutes long! At 24 frames per second that meant 144,000 frames of film had to be created using this antiquated method.  Computers created the images, but they were put together the old fashioned way onto film.

Now fast forward almost 28 years.  I just managed to find an HD version of the Tron Legacy trailer that was shown at the San Diego Comic Con a couple of weeks ago.  It is simply awesome!  Clearly they maintained the original design aesthetic created by Syd Mead and Moebius for the original.  I am very excited to see what Steven Lisberger and his team can put together using modern methods of computer animation.

No, I am not talking about the Dove Shack from the LBC,  I am talking about Radio Shack!  The company has decided in their infinite wisdom to drop the antiquated “radio” from their name and simply be referred to as “The Shack.”  Yeah, that doesn’t sound antiquated at all, right!?

Just to prove that they are not antiquated, they are setting up two huge (14ft x 17ft) laptops in Justin Hermann Plaza, San Francisco and in Times Square, New York for three days.  The laptops will deliver bi-coastal images to each other via live webcam.  Becuase nothing says “leading edge” than 10-year-old webcam technology, right!?  The laptop event will be setup from Thursday, August 6th through Saturday, August 8th.

I may go to Justin Hermann Plaza tomorrow during my lunch break to see hilarity ensue as kids “wave” at each other from San Francisco to New York using a huge live webcams.  I wonder how many middle fingers we will see?  Just sayin’.

No news as to when the website and stores will be completely re-branded.  They will have to lose the “R” logo that looks like the registered symbol to make this all happen.  Stay tuned.

Hackers found that SF “smart” parking meters are not so smart.  They totally own the SFMTA parking meters right now and gave a detailed presentation at the Black Hat conference in Las Vegas explaining their methods.  They didn’t give away the code to defraud the SFMTA in their presentation, but these guys are totally parking for free right now.  I am jealous.

Boston Rob and Amber Mariano of “Survivor” and later “Amazing Race” fame had a baby girl earlier this month.  Still no word on what the hell happened to Rob Mariano’s super reality TV show, “Tontine,” with it’s fancy schmancy $10 million prize.  According to Rob’s Wikipedia page, the show was cast and supposed to film in early 2008 and air in the Fall of 2008.  Neither has happened and it is probably fair to say that “Tontine” is more like “Saltines” at this point.  I guess that congrats on the baby and condolences on the TV show are in order.

When the Beastie Boys’ Adam Yauch (aka MCA) was diagnosed with cancer earlier this month they had to pull out of the All Points West music and arts festival, a huge outdoor concert in New York’s Liberty State Park (the island where the statue of Liberty is located).  Jay-Z agreed to step on their behalf and headline the Friday night show.

By all accounts, Jay-Z killed it.  He walked up to the mic and performed a cover of the Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn” in homage to Adam Yauch and his band.  A classy move to say the least.  But he’s also the first rapper to headline an American music festival, and surely the first (and perhaps last) to cover the Beasties, the first hip hop for white guys act in history.  Rick Rubin should be proud.  (Video link).

In the UK, the face of Jesus was found on caked on cooking grease after a guy cooked a delicious, or dare I say heavenly, burger.

Some mofo is lighting cars on the streets of San Francisco on fire in the middle of the night!  Last night 4 cars were torched, and authorities say that the count is up to a dozen cars.  People that park on the street are not scared, they are pissed.  I feel sorry for the bloodshed that will take place when someone catches this guy around their car.  This case is ripe for some sweet vigilante justice.  Stay tuned.

This is an infomercial for a product called Aspray, which is a spray for your stank butt and privates.  My favorite part of the infomercial is “give this to your smelly friends.”  Funny shit.  Via Adfreak.

Michelle Maykin and Van Le

One of my co-workers, a young woman named Michelle Maykin, was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), a cancer of the blood, on February 27, 2007.  She fought the disease with grace and dignity for over two years, but finally succumbed to the disease this weekend. She was 28 years old.  Sincere condolences go out to her family and her loving husband, Van Le.

She had a personality and a smile that would light up any room and she will be missed by all who were lucky enough to know her.

A funeral service is planned this Saturday in San Jose.

Life is fragile, tell your loved ones you love them at every opportunity.

A guy from website was pissed to find out that phone companies sell our private data to just about anyone.  So, he went to the home of Verizon CEO, stood in front of his lawn, and shouted the following:

“I’m here on behalf of Verizon customers. PLEASE DO A BETTER JOB PROTECTING YOUR CUSTOMERS’ CELL PHONE RECORDS! Everyone has the right to privacy, including you Ivan! When we don’t have privacy, then freaks with bullhorns start showing up on our front lawn.”

Absolutely awesome.  “Can you hear me now!?”  Indeed.  Via BoingBoing.

Babies 'R' Us Closed

I knew from the moment I walked into the Babies ‘R’ Us store near Serramonte that I hated that store.  The coin-operated kid ride at the front of the store with the loud and obnoxious music, the fake smiling employees, the dim fluorescent lights, the blandness of a box-shaped store.  And a creepy feeling on the back of my neck as I browsed through a row of over 40 strollers.  Really!?  Over 40 different strollers!?  I knew something was afoot.  It is the reason why we registered for baby gifts on instead of using Babies ‘R’ Us.  And their prices sucked!

Well, my apprehension was well founded.  Babies ‘R’ Us has been caught price fixing.  It seems they have ripped off parents for years and years by forcing manufacturers to not discount their crap through other online channels.  I hope they lose their ass on the pending class-action suit.  Bastards!

Belgian prison inmates escaped today with the assistance of a hijacked helicopter that landed right in the middle of the prison yard.  The helicopter flew to a field 12 miles away where the mofos got into some sinister looking Mercedes sedans and vanished.  I want to see this movie!

Some Stockton residents think that an image of Michael Jackson appeared on a tree stump in their yard the day that Michael Jackson died. The birch tree stump has what appears to be a stain on it that looks more like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz than Michael Jackson.  Here’s a quote from one of Stockton’s finest:

To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than maybe Jesus did to some people.  I think they are both about even, they’re both icons!

The video proves that some people are crazy-as-bat-shit. (Link)

San Francisco Fog Before Sunrise

In the news, a great story today about the famous San Francisco summer fog.  Here’s a great photograph of the San Francisco fog just before sunrise. This is why we love living here.  Awesome.

It wouldn’t be 4th of July without Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in Coney Island.  Joey Chestnut of San Jose defended his title by eating 68 hot dogs, with buns, in 10 minutes! Check out the video.  Have a happy and safe 4th of July holiday!

Palin is resigning from the governor’s office.  Nobody can really understand this move, not even the best political analysts.  She is looking like she is abandoning the state of Alaska when things get a little tough.  She quit only one day after Vanity Fair published an awesome, scathing profile on Palin with the assistance of McCain staffers which elaborate on why they thought she was a “whack job.” Well, I say good riddance you crazy bitch!  Let’s all set off some fireworks tonight to celebrate this momentous event.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years and eternal hellfire.  Adios mofo!  I know that this Bernie devil doll will not do much to restore wealth to his victims, but it sure is fun to smack around.

I know I talked a lot of smack about Jacko over the years, but I am sad that he died so young.  TMZ is the first to report that MJ died today after suffering cardiac arrest and being rushed to the UCLA Medical Center.  He is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince “Blanket” Michael Jackson II.

Wow, I stepped away from the blogosphere for the week and I return today to see the aftermath of a war.  Peter Getty, who is famous for you know, being a Getty and little else, has a new job writing a blog for SFGate with Billy Getty.  The first blog post was an entry titled “What the Butler Didn’t See,” which includes wonderful vomit-inducing prose like this:

“By the way: there are slews of people richer than we are, just in this neighborhood. We’re more famous for being rich than we really are rich. But we have enough to belong to the leisure class, meaning we get to spend very little of our time doing anything we don’t feel like, and we have means to sample, if not to gorge on, pleasures that most people, sad to say, won’t likely ever share in — things like yacht trips and safaris, ludicrously expensive wine, and private jet travel. You can be richer than we are, but you can’t live a whole lot better without mere ostentation.”

SFist wrote about Peter’s post and now Peter is upset that his reflections of self aren’t more well received by the commenters on the site.  He is so upset that he responded to the SFist post and has been trolling the comments section of SFist posting defensive missives about anyone that dares criticize his views on being rich.

I am sure all of the members of high society remember fondly those days when publishing required a lot of paper, ink, and expensive printing presses that the poors could not afford.  Ah, those were the days when only the opinions of the rich really mattered.  I don’t know the Gettys and don’t know what could have inspired Peter (and Billy) to want to open themselves to criticism in this way.  But it sure is fun to watch.  I wonder how long Pedro’s blog campaign will continue.

Joel McHale from The Soup is really funny, but it looks like this show has great writing and an amazing ensemble cast that includes, wait for it, wait for it, Chevy Chase. It looks freakin’ hilarious. Can’t wait to check it out this Fall.

Kobe and Fisher After Finals Win

Kobe and Fisher After Finals Win

The Lakers won their 15th NBA Chmpionship and Phil Jackson won his 10th as a coach.   The Lakers now trail the Boston Celtics by only two, and it looks like this young Lakers team may be the team to catch up to the Celtics’ record of 17 NBA Championships.

A friend of mine told me about this bird that is attacking passers-by on Front Street, between Sacramento and California Streets.  This CNN video shows people getting jacked by the bird as they walk on the sidewalk last week.  Someone told me the bird is still terrorizing people.  Beware humans.

A huge underground explosion in the Tenderloin today knocked out power for 3,500 people.  As of this writing the power is still out.  I wondered what the hell was going on when I saw two helicopters hovering over what I thought was the Civic Center earlier today.  This must have been it.

Our mayor’s hair has a Twitter account, and a charming personality.  Comedy.