POSITION: Mom, Mama, Mommie, Mother and Dad, Daddy, Pops, Father

SUMMARY: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment providing leadership and mentorship opportunities to young workers. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier service duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until young workers receive $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from 0 to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not young workers just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for young workers and clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable every minute, from one embarrassment to the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of ALL produced work product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the living facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: None. You will remain in the same position for decades, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass your own skills and earn more than you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training is offered however on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: No pay! This is a reverse-salary position in which you pay the young workers and offer them frequent raises and bonuses throughout your career. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help young workers become financially independent. When you die, you give them all of your assets. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: No health insurance, dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays, or stock options are offered. However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

SPECIAL NOTE: You cannot decline this position, ever, and there is no retirement! Good luck!

1 Comment »

  1. Hey–long time no talk. I’ve had some hard stay-at-home mom days the last week or two, and this made me laugh. Thanks! We should all catch up sometime…

    #1 by Jennie G — January 29, 2008 @ 9:57 pm

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