Airport travelers can now bypass the often-lengthy lines at airport security checkpoints if they’re willing to fork over $100 and agree to submit to a background check, get finger printed, and have their irises scanned. The standard half hour wait to go through security may be shortened to only five minutes. You go to a shorter line, present your special ID, get scanned, and you’re on your way.

This must be part of the Bush’s Administration secret plan to track the whereabouts of every American! I mean, we know they don’t believe in habeas corpus! It is completely insane. Oh, you don’t like the wait at the airport, pay us cash. Oh, you don’t want to go to prison indefinitely, pay us cash. Oh, you don’t want us to audit your finances, pay us cash.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the private company responsible for this scanning idea was owned by the Carlisle Group, Dick Cheney, and the President himself. But, how will they make everyone sign up for the service? The Bush Administration will reveal a new plan in which people that get taken out of the regular airport security line for “special inspection” will get kicked swiftly in the nuts! They’re even in discussion with Fox to make it into a reality show called “Ball Patrol.”

Just to be fair though, I hear that their plan will be to not let the big fat TSA agents do the kicking. Instead, the will pick the smallest female TSA agent to do it, which is usually a short Phillipino woman. After all, they want people to sign up for the service not start a riot at the airport! Still, I for one am going to wait until the kicking starts and the Fox cameras are rolling before I sign up for this “plan.”

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