“We get caught laundering money, we’re not going to white collar resort prison. No, no, no. We’re going to Federal pound me in the ass prison.”
— Michael Bolton played by David Herman, Office Space, 1999

Kenneth Lay and Jeff Skilling were found guilty today of conspiracy and fraud for their role in misleading the public about the true financial health of Enron, whose collapse is one of the biggest corporate scandals in history. Lay and Skilling commented after the trial that they would have their anuses surgically enhanced to make them much smaller. “We don’t want to have to worry about dropping the soap in the prison bathroom, and I’m kind of a klutz” said Lay while addressing reporters at the post-trial conference. Skilling added, “We really wanted our anuses permanently closed but were told by doctors that was impossible.”

Lay and Skilling were released on $5 million bond and relinquished their passports to the court. However, they were not assigned to home confinement until sentencing. Is that a good idea? Surely these guys have tens of millions of dollars put away somewhere. Couldn’t they charter a private plane to leave the country? The court better have some FBI agents following these mofos around because the prospect of “pound me in the ass prison” could entice them to skip their planned anal surgery and just go on the lam.

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