A Malaysian man severed his own penis in an attempt to prove to his wife that he was not having an affair. Apparently his wife found a text message from another woman on his phone which prompted an argument. Something tells me that the argument escalated until he said something like this:

“Damn it, do I have to chop my dick off to prove that I’m not having an affair!?”

The man, slightly confused by his wife’s unexpected affirmative response, and so enfuriated and frustrated by this point in the argument, proceeded to cut his own dick off. This is a tragic tale of bravado and ego gone terribly wrong. Bottom line, if you have the balls, or stupidity, to chop your own dick off you should probably have enough balls to tell your wife that you are seeing another woman. I guess you could say this guy is “all balls” now.

“The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.”
— Tyler Durden played by Brad Pitt, Fight Club, 1999

Imagine a bunch of guys with poor personal hygene beating each other up with keyboards and and choking each other with mice. Well, mice are wireless now so maybe they are not using mice. In any case, they’ve ignored the first rule of fight club. Not only did they talk about fight club, they were featured in a very long Associated Press feature that ran on CNN this weekend.

“We get caught laundering money, we’re not going to white collar resort prison. No, no, no. We’re going to Federal pound me in the ass prison.”
— Michael Bolton played by David Herman, Office Space, 1999

Kenneth Lay and Jeff Skilling were found guilty today of conspiracy and fraud for their role in misleading the public about the true financial health of Enron, whose collapse is one of the biggest corporate scandals in history. Lay and Skilling commented after the trial that they would have their anuses surgically enhanced to make them much smaller. “We don’t want to have to worry about dropping the soap in the prison bathroom, and I’m kind of a klutz” said Lay while addressing reporters at the post-trial conference. Skilling added, “We really wanted our anuses permanently closed but were told by doctors that was impossible.”

Lay and Skilling were released on $5 million bond and relinquished their passports to the court. However, they were not assigned to home confinement until sentencing. Is that a good idea? Surely these guys have tens of millions of dollars put away somewhere. Couldn’t they charter a private plane to leave the country? The court better have some FBI agents following these mofos around because the prospect of “pound me in the ass prison” could entice them to skip their planned anal surgery and just go on the lam.

“It’s not TV, It’s TV run by a bunch of coksuckers!”
–Al Swearengen responding to HBO’s motto after the cancellation.

HBO revealed this month that, because of a bunch of complex money considerations, “Deadwood,” one of the network’s top original series, will most likely end its run with its third season, which starts June 11th. Although Deadwood was not technically cancelled, HBO is releasing all of the actors to pursue other work, effectively killing the series because of the difficulty of reassembling such a large cast.

Fans of the show have started their campaigning to save the show. For details, see savedeadwood.net.

Wired News published documents today describing an alleged secret system allowing the National Security Agency to snoop into innumerable e-mail messages. Wired obtained the documents through an anonymous source close to the current case brought against AT&T by the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF).

The documents that support the EFF’s claim were ordered held under seal last week by Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker while he considered the government’s assertion that the group’s lawsuit endangers state secrets. Additionally, AT&T claims information in the file is proprietary and that it would suffer severe harm if it were released. Wired News disagrees and believes that the public’s right to know outweighs AT&T’s claims to secrecy.

Wired taking on AT&T and the U.S. Government!? Stay tuned.

The Amazing Race 10 has been announced on the CBS Fall Schedule to air on Sunday nights at 8:00PM. This time slot is much more kid friendly than Tuesdays at 10:00PM. Hopefully this change will help the race improve its ratings by gaining back its youngest audience. Also according to the New York Times, the show “has been renewed for one more edition, and is in negotiations for more.”

I hope that one of those in negotiation is an All-Star edition of the Amazing Race. Eligibility to this All-Star version of the race should be determined by a minimum amount of first place finishes in the legs of the race. That way you invite back not only those that have won the race, but those that finished consistently in first place but didn’t win. I for one would love to see Rob & Amber battle it out with the Hippies and the Jocks of this last edition.

Another interesting twist for the dream All-Star edition would be to start the race with 15 teams and the bottom five get eliminated in a gargantuan two-hour premiere initial leg. Or maybe they could elimintate the bottom two teams for the first three episodes. Something like that would be really cool and would change things up a bit. I mean Survivor has exile island and Donald Trump sometimes fires three mofos at a time. So why can’t the race eliminate two or more at a time? That would be awesome!

In any case, the filming of the Amazing Race 10 starts next month and this will be my last Amazing Race entry until the Amazing Race 10 teams are announced in the early Fall. As always, I can hardly wait for the next race!

Hippies Win the Race

After 59,000 miles, 9 countries, and 5 continents, the Hippies edged out the Jocks and the Tokens to win this 9th edition of the Amazing Race. Although like Cartman I hated the Hippies throughout the race, I have to give them props for going from last to first two legs before the end and keeping their lead through the finish. They also beat the Jocks in the paddleboat sprint, which showed that they were not only smart, but a physical threat if need be. Their win is well deserved.

In this episode, teams made their way from Thailand to Tokyo, Japan on the first leg. Surprisingly, Tyler from the Hippies team revealed that he spoke Japanese, who would have thunk it? Well, that didn’t help the Hippies get on the first flight out of Thailand. Ray & Yolanda and the Jocks made it out of Thailand on the first flight, while the Hippies were left behind. So they were bringing up the rear, but had the language advantage.

Immediately after arriving in Tokyo, teams were given their own cars and started driving towards Shibuya Crossing. That’s dangerous. Let me tell you, driving in Japan on the wrong side of the street is not an easy task. It is scary as all hell as a passenger because you tend to forget that you are on the wrong side and freak out every time you make a turn onto a divided highway.

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Nothing is scarier than clowns, except maybe a baby Ronald McDonald clown.

No, I am not going to blog about the Gordon Getty, or San Francisco’s old money. I want to promote an essay I read about the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing’s decision to make paper money a “showcase for art” back in 1886. It is a well written essay about the beauty of paper money for a decade between 1886 and 1896. The essay is filled with amazing images of paper currency from the period.

The only problem I have with the essay is that it mistakenly calls all the people depicted on paper money “dead presidents.” This “dead presidents” myth is perpetuated by rap music and pervasive slang. But let’s not forget that Alexander Hamilton, depicted on the $10 bill, was Secretary of the Treasury and never a president. Also Benjamin Franklin, depicted on the $100 bill, was never a president.

Although Franklin was an influencer and a politician, the only executive branch position he held was as a member of the first presidential cabinet with the title of Postmaster General, an honorary and now defunct cabinet position that required little to no responsibility. Franklin would later become an early governor of Pennsylvania with the title of President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania.

So when you are humming along to “It’s All About the Benjamins” remember that Benjamin Franklin is not a dead president. He’s actually a “dead rich white guy,” a more accurate term but admittedly not as catchy.

Michelle Wie won a local qualifier as the first step to qualifying for the men’s U.S. Open Championship event. The 16-year-old golf star will have to place high in the standings at the U.S. Open sectional qualifier next month to qualify. Stay tuned.

In a Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom moment, horrified zoo visitors in Holland saw a group of bears eat a monkey yesterday. The monkey was chased into an electric fence by the bears where it was stunned. The monkey quickly recovered and fled onto a wooden structure where a bear chased it and mauled it to death. The bears then setup a picnic in their den and proceeded to eat the monkey.

In Florida, two gator victims were found in one day after only 17 confirmed fatal attacks in the previous 58 years. I wonder why the gators are so hungry all of the sudden. Maybe they’ve been secretly fattening up Floridians for years and they feel that time has come to feast. Cool movie idea.

According to this story, the gators have actually killed 3 in 1 week, not 2.

Willy Wonka’s legacy was to jack up the bad kids and give his factory to the good kid, right? Well at a chocolate factory in Hawaii a kid’s hand was severed right off, Willy Wonka style. The question is, where were the parents during all this? All kidding aside, it sucks when kids get hurt. Hopefully doctors will be able to sew the kid’s hand back on.

Ken & Barbie Eliminated

In this episode, teams made their way from Darwin, Australia, in the middle of the Australian Outback to Bangkok, Thailand. The story of the race was that one of the Hippies, BJ, had no pants or shoes. Yolanda, of the Tokens, was nice enough to give BJ a pair of pants and the hotel lost and found box yielded a pair of flip flops for him. It’s the first time ever that a team member was without shoes, even if for a brief time.

It seemed that all of the teams were bunched up at the airport and on the same flight. This gave the Hippies the opportunity to go to downtown Darwin to beg for cash. When they got back they couldn’t get on the same flight as the other teams. But they managed to get a flight that was to land within 15 minutes of the other teams.

Upon landing in Bangkok, Ken & Barbie had a little breakdown because Ken was in a bad mood and acting pissy because Bangkok looked “shady.” Grow some balls man! Once they got to the bus terminal they decided to ask the guard about where to buy tickets to their destination city instead of asking the people at the ticket booth. The guard told them they couldn’t buy them at that booth and they missed the midnight bus to Lopburi. So dumb!

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In an effort to lure people into more and more debt, lenders are now offering a 50-year mortgage. Even more crazy is the fact that a handful of small lenders have begun offering 50-year adjustable-rate loans to buyers who need to keep payments low in the current economic environment. That’s right, a 50-year adjustable. Americans should do themselves a favor and not buy more house than they can afford. That way, they don’t have to get a 50-year loan that will cost them millions of dollars in additional interest in the long run. This is crazy. It’s a sign that prices are too high and interest rates aren’t helping. Burst ahead.

The Lakers blew it. They had a 3-1 game lead in the Series against the Phoenix Suns and managed to lose three in a row and get eliminated. Yesterday the Lakers got trampled by Phoenix, allowing the Suns to advance to the next round against the Clippers. That’s right, the Clippers have forged past the Lakers in the NBA post season. It’s really sad.

Surely by now you’ve heard about Steven Colbert’s ruthless roast of President Bush at the White House Correspondents Association dinner a couple of weeks ago. Well, if you haven’t seen it, it is now on Google video with CSPAN’s consent. Apparently the White House entertainment booker didn’t really understand the meaning of satire very well. It was brutal, and I loved every minute of it.

A 23-year-old Ukranian immigrant from Rochester, Minnesota who is 7’8″ tall received custom made size 26 shoes from German shoemaker Georg Wessels. Wessels specializes in making super-sized shoes and makes shoes free of charge for “the ten tallest people in the world” which includes this kid in Minnesota.

Hippies in Last Place

In this episode, the final four teams made immediately made their way to the Swan Bells tower in Perth, Australia. The sucky thing was that the tower didn’t open until the morning, causing the final four teams to bunch up almost immediately. The animosity between Ken & Barbie and the Hippies was high from the start, and you just knew that some shit was going to go down later in the leg.

Teams slept outside. After they woke up they all called for taxi pickups outside the tower to pick them up after they picked up their clue. Eric from the Jocks canceled the taxis for the Hippies and the Tokens. This was both smart and mean, but not against the rules of the race. The Jocks coincidentally booked their taxi under the name Doug Brubaker. Sneaky fuckers!

The funny thing is that the Jocks’ taxi didn’t show up. So the only taxi that showed was the one for Ken & Barbie. The Hippies and the Tokens assumed that it was them that canceled their taxis and immediately set their sights on Ken & Barbie. Now there’s all this animosity from all the teams towards Ken & Barbie instead the Jocks.

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A judge in the Phillipines who claimed he could see into the future and admitted to consulting imaginary mystic dwarfs in his decisions was fired by the country’s Supreme Court after a lengthy three-year investigation. The Supreme Court said that he was incompetent, showed bias (probably to dwarfs), and criticized court procedure. However, the court said it was not within its expertise to conclude that this guy is insane. Okay, I’ll do it, this mofo is insane!

The Lakers couldn’t eliminate the Phoenix Suns tonight forcing a a decisive game six in Los Angeles on Thursday night. Only seven teams have come back from a 3-1 deficit to win a series and I don’t think the Phoenix Suns can pull that off. I predict a Lakers win on Thursday at the Staples Center.

The L.A. Clippers advanced to the second round of the NBA playoffs for the first time in 30 years with their win against the Nuggets tonight. Also, the L.A. Lakers are leading their first round series against Phoenix 3-1 with their dramatic win yesterday. Should the Lakers win one more it will be an all L.A. secound round, with Clippers vs. Lakers.

San Francisco Immigration March

As I walked to work at around 10:30AM, I got a chance to see about 4,000 immigrant marchers gathered at Yerba Buena Gardens behind the Metreon. There was a Mayan dance troupe dancing for the crowd accompanied with music and chanting. It was definitely a festival atmosphere as they prepared to head to the Embarcadero to start marching to the Civic Center. Sadly, I didn’t have a camera on me (this is a Chronicle photo by Frederic Larson).

As I walked around the crowd on Mission Street due to the large overflow I saw ex-mayor Willie Brown. As always he was decked out in a three piece suite and wearing a hat. He must have been hot as hell because it was sunny and almost 80F degrees today. In any case, he seemed totally incognito as he walked through the crowd, since many of the marchers probably had no idea who he was. He was alone, no entourage, no bodyguards, just checking out the scene. Perhaps he was hoping to be interviewed by reporters about his stance on the issue, who knows?

After I was in my building, which is on Second Street between Mission and Market streets, you could hear the group from Yerba Buena heading to the Embarcadero to Market Street. Later, as they marched down Market, you could hear the marchers from the 11th floor! I went outside to check it out for a bit. It was amazing to see what had to have been about 30,000 strong marching down Market. Not since the Iraq war protests back three years ago have I seen that many people marching in the city. It was an awesome sight to see them be so organized.

The illegal immigrants are an economic force to be reckoned with for sure. I certainly hope that an amicable solution can be reached where these individuals can pay taxes, vote, and pay back for the social services that some of them are already using. Losing them would definitely have an adverse impact to the California economy, since they make up 7 percent of the population. We’ll see what happens.