As seen in Memepool, see how well you can identify harmless dog toys from marital aids (you know, dildos) in this quiz.

“I think of all the education that I’ve missed
But then my homework was never quite like this!”
–Van Halen (David Lee Roth), Hot for Teacher, 1984

A 23-year-old middle-school teacher was charged with having sex with a 14-year-old student in a school classroom, at her apartment and, once, in the back of her SUV while the teen’s 15-year-old cousin drove. Damn, talk about a “superfreak, superfreak, she’s superfreaky!” I thought this only happened in movies and teenage boys’ dreams.

5 Stars

I saw this film last night at the Metreon in San Francisco and can only describe it this way: documentary filmmaking at its best. Michael Moore bring us a film that is informative, funny, provocative, moving, and unabashedly critical of the Bush Administration and their use of the Iraq war to further their own agenda.

The film opens with the Gore-Lieberman victory celebration on election night, 2000, and poignantly asks if the last four years has been a just a bad dream. It explains what we now know is a fact, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris knowingly disenfranchised many minority Florida voters to help George W. Bush steal the election. For more on this see the 2002 documentary, Unprecedented: The 2000 Presidential Election.

The film portrayed the way the congressional Democrats, with the exception of a handful of African American House members, rolled over without protest to the theft of the election. It showed defiant African American House members rising honorably in protest on the Senate floor to object the certification of the election results only to be gaveled out of order by Al Gore, President Pro-Tem of the Senate presiding over the joint session. The objectors could not force a debate because they could not get a single Senator to support their right to do so. Not Lieberman, not Kennedy, not Edwards, and not Kerry. This was sad to see.

The film then goes on to detail the months leading up to the 9/11 attacks and chronicles Bush’s vacations, including embarrassing responses that Bush himself gave to the press trying to justify his time off. This is not just Moore’s opinion, the record shows that President Bush was listed “on vacation” over forty percent of the time during his first eight months in office.

The film credits roll when the timeline reaches 9/11. Instead of showing the gruesome images of the Twin Towers being struck by airplanes, Moore allows the audience to call up their own recollections of the chilling event by using a black screen and audio of that fateful morning in New York.

Moore then shows George W. Bush choosing to go ahead with a photo opportunity at a Florida school after the attack on the first tower. During the photo op, after the second tower is struck by terrorists, Bush’s chief of staff whispers into his ear, “America is under attack.” This is where we all get to see Bush’s world crashing in around him. For seven minutes we watched the surreal scene. Without anyone to tell him what to do, Bush continued with the photo op while apparently thinking “what the fuck do I do now?” Bush’s possible thought process is masterfully narrated by Moore during this amazing scene–you have to see it to believe it.

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You just can’t make this shit up. Judge Donald Thompson frequently masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections while his court was in session, charges a petition by the state’s attorney general seeking his removal. I won’t mention the location, you can read the article yourself.

AOHell users are always wondering why they get so much spam. Well, one reason is because an AOL employee was selling the user list to fucking spammers! An AOL software engineer was arrested after it was found that he sold the entire AOL user list to a Las Vegas spammer for an undisclosed sum and later sold an updated user list to the same spammer for $100,000. Damn, I fucking hate spammers! We should all be happy that these bitches got caught.

I just watched the tail end of AFI’s 100 Years, 100 Songs: America’s Greatest Music in the Movies. I only saw the Top 15 songs in the countdown. The countdown included the greatest movie songs as chosen by experts in the film community, including directors, screenwriters, actors, editors, cinematographers, critics and historians. The Top 10 were as follows:

10 The Sound of Music, The Sound of Music, 1965
09 Stayin’ Alive, Saturday Night Fever, 1977
08 The Way We Were, The Way We Were, 1973
07 When You Wish Upon a Star, Pinocchio, 1940
06 Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, 1967
05 White Christmas, Holiday Inn, 1942
04 Moon River, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, 1961
03 Singin’ in the Rain, Singin’ in the Rain, 1952
02 As Time Goes By, Casablanca, 1942
01 Somewhere Over the Rainbow, The Wizard of Oz, 1939

Damn, how old are these people? They went back through dust bins to find some of these. I mean Pinocchio? Holiday Inn? I am a child of the late seventies and eighties and my Top 10 is drastically different:

10 Donke Schoen, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 1986
09 Up Where We Belong, An Officer and a Gentleman, 1982
08 Raiders March, Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981
07 Overture (Opening Theme), 2001: A Space Oddyssey, 1968
06 Take My Breath Away, Top Gun, 1984
05 Wind Beneath My Wings, Beaches, 1988
04 Gonna Fly Now (Theme), Rocky, 1977
03 Stayin’ Alive, Saturday Night Fever, 1977
02 Star Wars Theme, Star Wars, 1977
01 Speak Softly, Love (Love Theme), The Godfather, 1972

What would be your Top 10 movie songs?

Ben Affleck beat out a field of 90 poker players to capture the Commerce Casino’s California State Poker Championship, a World Poker Tour event which finished this Sunday. At the final table, Affleck beat professional Stan Goldstein to win the event and a seat at the WPT Championship event at the Bellagio. I really don’t like Ben–since I still think he’s Matt Damon’s bitch–but you gotta give him props for this one. Big ups.

Jeri Ryan, better known as to Star Trek fans as 7 of 9 on Star Trek Voyager, filed court documents in which she charged her ex-husband, Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Illinois, Jack Ryan, with attempting to force her have sex with him in public at “sex clubs.”

The documents were filed in 2000 and have now been unsealed due to Jack Ryan’s bid for the Senate. The documents charge that on three separate occasions her then-husband took her on “surprise trips” to New Orleans, New York and Paris. On the second trip, her husband wanted to have sex with her in the club but she refused.

Scandalous shit! I am sure this will have an effect on his bid for the Senate. Because as we all know, America can accept guns, explosions, dismemberment, terrorism, and fear, but not anything other than puritanical missionary position sex between a man and a woman. He would have been better off stabbing somebody. Jack Ryan is fucked!

SpaceShip One, a spacecraft built by a company called Scaled Composites, became the first private aircraft to reach sub-orbital space, 328,491 feet (approximately 100 kilometers or 62 miles,) above the surface of the Earth.

Paul Allen, Microsoft co-founder, helped create Scaled Composites with a $20 million investment in 1995 and is the sole sponsor for the SpaceShip One project. In less than ten years, the spaceship went from the drawing board to space flight using only a couple of dozen very dedicated employees. It is an amazing achievement that will undoubtedbly equate to SpaceShip One collecting the coveted X Prize in the near future.

The X Prize, a $10 million prize, will go to the first privately funded group to send three people on a suborbital flight 62.5 miles (100.6 kilometers) high and repeat the feat within two weeks using the same vehicle. Stay tuned.

I am in Denver through Wednesday on business. I will still be available via email and cell phone for those who need to get a hold of me.

Nine-time champ Martina Navratilova returned to Wimbledon for her first singles match in 10 years earlier today, and proceeded to beat the crap out of 24-year-old Catalina Castano. Adding insult to injury, Navratilova had beat Catalina’s mother in her 1973 Wimbledon debut. Damn. At 47, Navratilova became the oldest woman to win a singles match at Wimbledon in 82 years. Big ups.

I just went on the Amazing Race 5 site to check out the teams for the upcoming race which starts on July 6th. First off, no strange professions, like air traffic controllers, and no gay couple this time around. But there’s an Amazing Race first on this one–a dwarf.

What’s reality television’s fascination with dwarves? Wasn’t the Littlest Groom enough!? One of the teams for this race, Charla & Mirna, has a fucking dwarf in it! The online promo clip shows the dwarf, Charla, picking up the full-size cousin, Mirna, on her shoulders and carrying her around. An amazing feat of strength for sure, but also funny as hell to watch. I guess dwarves do make for compelling television, whatever. They just better hope they don’t wind up in a sprint to the finish line or it’ll be Phil saying, “Charla & Mirna, you are the last team to arrive.” Short legs don’t win sprints!

And what’s a race without a couple of obnoxious Jesus freaks? Brandon & Nicole‘s interview starts off with the Brandon saying, “First, they are going to know we are Christian.” Okay, and this is relevant when you are trying to catch a fucking plane with four minutes to spare? There’s nothing like wearing your religion on your sleeve to try and annoy the other teams into quitting, nice tactic. They better hope for a miracle, because last I checked, God doesn’t help people carry luggage.

On sight, there are two teams that appear to be agile and manipulative enough to win. They are Alison & Donny and Kami & Karli respectively. Alison & Donny are dating and Alison’s claim to fame is that she appeared on the Big Brother reality TV show. I don’t watch Big Brother, so I don’t give a shit. Kami & Karli are a pair of twins that may have an advantage if they don’t kill each other first. That unspoken communication thing twins have may actually work to their advantage.

As of right now, those two teams are my picks to win. Granted, I don’t know how obnoxious they are, but they are my picks for now. I reserve the right to revise my picks after the first episode airs. As always, I can’t wait for the race to start!

The best article I’ve read regarding Reagan’s accomplishments to date. Mark Morford gives us a compelling account of Ronald Reagan’s true legacy without all the GOP hype and glory. Big ups.

CourtTV revealed today that Michael Jackson paid $23 million to his 1993 accuser. Court papers claim that Jackson paid the monetary sum for “alleged negligence” connected to the case. This new development could prove to be devastating to Jackson should the accuser, now an adult, decide to take the stand.

In a surprise move, Jackson’s legal team filed a $5 billion lawsuit in U.S. District Court against Satan, the “Prince of Darkness.” Court documents show that Jackson is suing Satan using his legal name, Lucifer, and 5 of his known aliases for breach of contract and seeks immediate injunctive relief from Satan’s oppression. Jackson’s lead attorney stated, “We know Satan can be a slippery character. He has an amazing defense team and we didn’t want him to get off on some technicality–we have all of our bases covered.”

The suit argues that Jackson entered into contract with Satan shortly before the release of his Off the Wall album. The contract with Satan should have enabled Jackson to “play with children forever, be the richest star on the planet, and become white.” Jackson argues that although he has achieved immortality he has developed an unsatiable affinity for young boys, which was not specified in the contract. It also states that he was the richest pop star in the world for only a few years and now cannot sell a song to “save his life.” Additionally, Jackson argues that although he has become white, he has lost his nose in the laborious process making him look like the host of Tales from the Crypt. Jackson’s lead attorney added, “We would like the immortality clause stricken from the contract. If we lose the ongoing criminal case and obtain a life sentence it could be devastating to our client. You know, living forever behind bars would be bad.”

A spokesperson for Satan stated, “Our contracts are iron-clad. We have been in business for over ten thousand years and feel confident about a favorable outcome for our client and his associates.” Satan could not be reached directly for comment, but sources state that he was heard laughing his ass off in the shadows while we interviewed Jackson’s legal team.

A judge is scheduled to rule on the injunctive relief early next month. Satan’s attorneys are expected to file a change of venue request in an effort to move the case from Los Angeles to Hades, which some of our sources say is located near Temecula, CA. These motions could set an important legal precedent for cases against Satan and his company, Diablo Associates, which are located on prestigious Riverfront Drive on the River Styx in Hades.

When hearing of the suit between the “King of Pop” and the “Prince of Darkness,” many Jackson fans stood outside of the courthouse chanting “The King Will Beat the Prince, The King Will Beat the Prince!” A priest witnessing the large demonstration stated, “the world is filled with misguided souls.” Amen.

The Lakers played an emotionless game and at one point trailed by over 20 points in their loss to the Pistons. It seemed almost inevitable after the Pistons took a 3-1 lead in the series. Sadly, no rings for Karl Malone and Gary Payton. However, on an upbeat note, Larry Brown became the first NBA coach to win an NBA title after winning an NCAA championship. A great achievement in an already notable Hall of Fame career. Big ups to Larry Brown and the Pistons and see y’all next year. We’ll see what happens to the Lakers during the off-season.

Last night’s loss to the Pistons was a huge disappointment to all Laker fans. A lot of people would like Payton and Malone to finally win a championship. However, unless the boys pull out a miracle it will be over soon. Nobody has ever come back from a 3-1 deficit to win the NBA championship. Here’s hoping for a miracle. Stay Tuned.

Big Hairy Armpit  The Axe Effect

Apparently women like armpits. Giant armpits with small stubbby feet that are about the size of St. Bernard wiht no head and no arms. Huh? Did the people creating these ads realize that the armpit really looks like a giant hairy dickless crotch with feet?

The ad slogan is “Dry Pits Win,” but at what cost? The self-esteem of young men all over the country. Women only want guys for their pits apparently. According to Mark Morford, the message of the ad is simple, “Your chick is not really dating you, dumbass. She is dating your [dry] giant hairy armpit. This is all she really cares about.”

Geez, what is the world coming to? If big hairy dry armpits win, then we all lose. Well, I don’t know what that really means, but it sounds good. Big ups to Mark Morford for writing another hilarious column–I had no idea these ads existed.

It is amazing to me how people get a selective memory when speaking about those that have passed away. Case in point, President Reagan. He passed away this week, and from news reports, you would think that the man was Mother Teresa. I’ll concede the fact that he’s responsible for scaring the bejesus out of Gorbachev and ending the cold war, and he was a good public speaker, but he wasn’t a saint! Since it seems that the media outlets and the Republican spin machine will continue talking about the “good” of Reagan, let’s talk a little about the bad and the ugly, shall we?

The Bad: Reaganomics. This so-called economic concept of Ronald Reagan was that if you cut taxes you would increase Federal Revenues since economic activity would increase. The increase in economic activity would bring with it increased Federal tax revenues. In other words the tax cut would be self liquidating and self paying since any lost revenues for the moment would almost immediately be made up by increased revenues in the future. It didn’t cost anything, therefore, to lower taxes and the economy would be stimulated to new heights.

In truth, Reaganomics was a smoke screen for a hidden agenda. Taxes were cut, only in the first year of his presidency, to keep the American public happy while a plan to increase the national debt by $2.5 trillion was being concocted. What for? The United States systematically overspent on national defense to crush the Soviet Union since it was obvious they couldn’t keep up. It took Reaganomics only 8 years to increase the national debt from $1 trillion to about $3.5 trillion!

Reaganomics Key Points:

  • The national debt when Ronald Reagan took office was about $1 trillion. That included in it all the debt run up for the Revolutionary war, the Spanish-American war, the Civil war, World War I, World War II, the Korean war, the Vietnam war and all the Social wars of the 1930’s and subsequent years. In other words it took the United States from 1776 until 1980 or more than 200 years to accumulate a national debt of $1 trillion.
  • Ronald Reagan left us a national debt of about $3.5 trillion or $3,500 billion.
  • Given the spending habits established by the legacy of Ronald Reagan the national debt is now a little over $7 trillion!
  • The interest cost on the national debt now runs about $318 billion a year! When Ronald Reagan took office they were about $53 billion a year.

So, feel free to give Reagan props for ending the Cold War, but don’t perpetuate the myth of fabulous Reaganomics. The end of the Cold War came with a $2.5 trillion price tag attached to it, don’t try and tell us that it was free!

The Ugly: the closing of mental health hospitals in California and across the United States. Is it any wonder that California seems to have all of the crazy homeless people? State mental hospitals were taken away by Governor Reagan in the seventies, and federal mental health programs were later taken away by President Reagan in the eighties.

When Ronald Reagan was governor of California he systematically began closing down mental hospitals, later as president he would cut aid for federally-funded community mental health programs. It is not a coincidence that the homeless populations in the state of California grew in the seventies and eighties. The people were put out on the street when mental hospitals started to close all over the state.

Seeing an increase in crime, and brutal murders by Herb Mullin, a mental hospital patient, the state legislature passed a law that would stop Reagan from closing even more state-funded mental health hospitals. But Reagan would not be outdone. In 1980, congress proposed new legislation (PL 96-398) called the community mental health systems act (crafted by Ted Kennedy), but the program was killed by newly-elected President Ronald Reagan. This action ended the federal community mental health centers (see timeline on this link) program and its funding.

In closing, the next time you pass by a homeless person in downtown San Francisco screaming to themselves at the top of their lungs, remember Reagan. And if your kids need to go out and get jobs at age 9 to pay down the national debt, be sure to tell them that they can thank Ronald Reagan, and now President Bush, for their misfortune.

The Detroit Pistons used their stifling defense to hold the Lakers to only 75 points and win the first game of the NBA Finals. The Pistons proved that this is going to be a series and they are not just going to lay down to the Lakers. This game was reminiscent of the last time the Lakers lost game 1 of the finals to the Sixers and Larry Brown. But, as we all know, the Lakers won that series. Stay tuned.

Darrick Martin and Kobe Bryant

The biggest story of the Lakers series with the Timberwolves, except for the Derek Fisher buzzer-beater of course, was that Darrick Martin stepped up in Sam Cassell’s absence to run the floor at the point for the Twolves. Why!?

I went to St. Anthony High School in Long Beach at the same time that Darrick Martin was becoming a star basketball player, he was a year ahead of me. He even went on to get a full ride at UCLA for his basketball skills. What’s amazing to me is that Martin, who was a dominating force in high school, was only an average player in the NBA.

In fact, it’s amazing that he got to the NBA at all since he wasn’t even drafted. His hustle allowed him to get into the league by signing a couple of 10-day contracts in 1995, after three years in the CBA. He continued on to play for four NBA teams in eight years. Then, a couple of years ago, he left the league again, played a year in the CBA, played for the Harlem Globetrotters for a while, and then came back to the league again with another set of 10-day contracts thanks to Flip Saunders. An on-again off-again nine-year NBA career–all hustle.

Darrick Martin did an amazing job with the Timberwolves and came very close to getting to the NBA finals. During game 5, it was awesome to hear Marv Albert and Doug Collins reading his bio on the air–that’s huge. Big ups to Darrick!

I know this was already on memepool, but I just had to post it here because it is crazy funny–the Rumsfeld Fighting Techniques. People may want him to step down from his post as Secretary of Defense, but they can’t beat his Kung Fu.