After the collapse of the Soviet Republic, the Russian mob is trying to keep itself busy by fixing ice skating events. Pretty sad. Apparently that crazy French judge that robbed the gold medal from Canada during the Winter Olympics was not under the influence of crack–just fearing some good ol’ cracked ribs from some mob thugsters.

“They drew first blood, not me…”
Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo, First Blood, 1982.

Today I went to the dentist for my semiannual teeth cleaning and checkup. It wasn’t a particularly bad cleaning, but there was this small incident. While my dentist was cleaning a particularly tough spot he missed the tooth completely and gored me in the gums with a mid-size dental pick.

Blood streamed out of my mouth and the sharp hook caused me so much pain that through reflex I closed my mouth with force–biting the dentist’s index finder. He was a little shocked, but even though it was an accident I didn’t apologize. No. Instead, I gave him this look that said, “yeah, uh huh, see what happens–respect motherf***er.” Somehow, I have a feeling that the relationship between me and my dentist has changed forever.

Our friends, Lisa Gabaldon and Jayson Santos, are engaged to be married–you heard it here first. Congratulations to the happy couple!

The market rallied up more than 5% today and it gave me hope that it will continue to go up. Now I only need the Nasdaq to shoot up 3,000 points and I’ll make all of my money back (insert laughter here). A little sarcasm heals the soul. I think I’d be better off throwing up $100 Yo’s at the craps table.

James Traficant

Ohio congressman, James Traficant, was expelled from the House of Representatives last Wednesday for comitting nine ethics violations. He is currently awaiting federal sentencing for corruption charges.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t for bringing a squirrel into the Capitol building, seen here on his head. I know there are people with bad haircuts and hairpieces in the world–but this guy deserves an award or something.

I thought that all of the miners in Pennsylvania were screwed–but the rescuers got them all out alive. Big ups.

Ok, so you are out of a job and the economy sucks. The company you worked for has shut its doors and people can’t even verify your employment. Well, you could always change your job title.

I just read that a fat guy is going to sue three major fast food chains for not warning him that he could get fat eating their products–gimme a break. I am sure he is failing to mention that he eats six times a day and the only part of his body that he exercises is his mouth. Jeez.

What’s next, are skinny-ass anorexic people going to sue Vogue and Cosmopolitan for showing waifs that pass for models and not warning them that the only way that regular girls can maintain that figure is to throw up their food after they eat it?

It’s about time that corporate executives that commit fraud are criminally charged instead of hiding behind the corporate shroud. Still, they are prosecuting only the biggest offenders and there are a lot of small fish that will continue to go unpunished.

That’s too bad because there are plenty of people that would love to see this cockhandler (the fat bastard next to Arnold) in prison. Not a white-collar prison, no, no, no, a Federal “pound me in the ass” prison. By the way, if you haven’t done so already, see Office Space.

Two guys from the company I am auditing, Guidant Corporation, offered to take me on a mountain bike ride today–so I accepted (first mistake). I expected us to go out late afternoon as the Sun was going down, instead they advised me that they are ready to go at 11:00AM. Great!?

This was already looking bad as I saw birds outside sweating, but not wanting to be the party pooper, I said “let’s go.” By the time we arrived to the foothills near Lake Elsinore it was high noon and the temperature there was much cooler than Temecula–90F instead of 105F–woohoo.

By this time my excitement for the ride was overwhelming–not! I had a borrowed bike from this guy that’s like 6ft tall with a huge frame, had a borrowed helmet, no sun block, borrowed sunglasses, and a 16oz. bottle of Gatorade. These two guys both had 90oz. Camelbaks, full racing gear, and a certain look of determination that I certainly was lacking–I was hoping or some wind.

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I will be returning to Temecula (or Hell’s Gate, as I like to call it cause of the heat) today for a short two-day stay returning on Friday night. I only hope that as the temperature reaches 100F and the gates of hell open underneath the city, that Duke Zorn’s minions don’t find me.

Note: Duke Zorn, like Baal, is Satan’s Lieutenant and lives in Southern Florida. He works at Central Data Inc. during the day and at night commands the forces of darkness. He races watercraft in his spare time. Mr. Zorn screwed me by delaying a shipment of SUN Servers once, and yes, that’s his real name.

Well, I received this email from an ex-iMinder in response to a group posting in which I said that a person should pull a stick out of their ass:

As for hit a delete key and get the stick out of your ass, that sounds right
to me. I like you ex-iminder and hope you are all doing well, making some
money and having good sex. mucho amor Brian S

After attempting to decipher this incoherence I came up with this response, but I must confess that I still haven’t mastered this new language:

I like you 2 ex-iminder. I likes you wish for moolah and hoes. Bong water deep so wow you swimming hard. I hope all hoes go 4 you too. If helmet and home when you falls off motor bicycle head damage look out now. worry me mucho Nugget G

I was surprised to find out that there are a bunch of ex-iMinders that no longer have a sense of humor. Granted some of these folks came much later in the saga, but it is still disheartening to know that the working wounded are too scarred to laugh.

Like my friend says, it’s like the classic line in Hotel California,
“…you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”

Larry O’Brien wrote a Haiku about iMind, the dot-com we both worked at, and it insipired me to make an iMind Haikus page. If you are an ex-iMinder you definitely will enjoy this.

Japanese Toilet

I was talking to someone on the plane yesterday while returning to SF and had a flashback to a bad Japanese Toilet experience.

I thought that as a public service I would give everyone access to this extremely helpful how-to guide. By the way, if anyone wants to hear the details of my near-tragic experience, please let me know.

After two weeks in hell (well, actually it was Temecula), I am back in San Francisco. It’s like jumping out of the fire and into the freezer. But, very glad to be home.

Larry O’Brien wrote a short story about dot-com excess for a cancelled conference appearance. Rather than let the document go to waste, I have posted an excerpt of the story on the iMind Parody site.

On a related note, I saw in the news that stock options are officially coming to an end. That’s a news flash! It’s only been two years since the bubble burst. I was screaming “show me the money” back in 2000.

Money talks, bullshit walks.

Stinky Bloom

People are flocking from all over the place to get to Encinitas, CA to smell the stink of a big flower. The flower does look pretty impressive, but there would be no way in hell that I’d travel to smell it. If I want to smell a “stinky bloom” I just eat a lot of beans and wait for the aftermath.

Scrubs is one of the best shows on TV. If you have a TV, check it out. If you don’t, you wish you did–you know who you are. In case you haven’t already noticed, I am bored shitless.

Allen Iverson

Allen Iverson is not a Thugee Guard. However, he is a “thuggy” guard of the NBA variety. Another well-known thuggy guard is Gary Payton.

Thugee Guards are the henchmen of Mola Ram in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, seen here beating some slaves.

Anyway, Iverson was arraigned on charges he stormed into a cousin’s apartment with a gun and threatened two men while looking for his wife.

Bear in mind that this is the same woman that he had thrown out of his house butt-necked the day earlier. Check out the story.

“You can take the homie out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the homie.”

Bricks flew out of the most notorious of body cavities for traders on Wall Street today as the Dow recovered from a 440-point plummet to close down 45 (see story). Experts say that rollercoaster days like these mark the bottom of the market–I hope so. Although I am in no rush. The money I have left over from the dot-bomb is in a money market account and it’ll stay there until I see proof of a new bull market.

“Adventure, excitement? A Jedi craves not these things.”
— Silent Bob, Mallrats

I just realized that I only like to travel on vacation, but not for work. Today marks my second week in Temecula for work and it made me think of the days when traveling for work was fun (the first 50,000 miles or so). The days when the restaurants, hotels, and room service were way better than anything you could ever have at home.

But like everything else you cross a threshold in your life when the things in your home are better than at most hotels. Now that I just want to be home with the ones I love watching Tivo.

I started having some problems with my blogging software,Blogger, yesterday. So today I started using blogging software by Movable Type. The new software inlcludes a lot of nifty features, including the ability for visitors to join a notification list and also to enter their personal comments on my nuggets–enjoy.

Santiago and I played four games of basketball last night–well you could almost call it basketball. It was a pretty pathetic display since we are both not in really good shape right now. It was like an elementary school game–the gameplay not the energy. So today, even after that lame performance, I felt like I had gotten hit with a baseball bat. It is clear that the fourth and final game last night was completely unnecessary. But, nonetheless victory is sweet as I took the set 3 games to 1.

I was making travel reservations a couple of minutes ago and had a dot-com flashback. A dot-com flashback is much like suffering from a post traumatic stress disorder episode that some war veterans get–the cold sweats, elevated heart rate, disorientation, etc. If you worked at iMind you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I was remembering the madness. The fact that we had a dedicated travel staff person for a company of just over 60 people. However, in true iMind fashion, our travel person, Bobbi DiStefano (aka Bobbi Baffoonery), did not actually know how to make travel reservations. It was a crap shoot as to whether you would actually make it back from the trade shows. One day that motherf***er left me stranded in Palm Springs because the return flight was booked from the same airport as the departing flight. Bitch!

It’s good to know that those days are over and that I can now make travel reservations while maintaining my sanity. Bobbi, where ever you are, I am sure you are still a lamer.

But Temecula is hotter. I was very pleased to see some cloud cover this morning, which meant that the temperature was a cool 74F instead of 82F when I woke up.

Swingline Buckles Under Pressure
Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?

This movie barely made it’s money back at the box office but is a cult classic among programmers and IT folks everywhere. It is a hilarious film that you should see if you haven’t already. Anyway, in the movie there is a red stapler wielded by one of the office workers. After years of emails, phone calls, and letters, the Swingline is finally selling the red stapler depicted in the movie. See the WSJ article for more details–and see the movie.

My friend, Mark Asher, gave me grief for not updating the blog, but I’ve been REALLY busy at work. Anyway, here are a couple of entries to make up for lost time.

Blogger Meet in Eight Days
Just found out that there is an International Blog MEETUP Day scheduled for Thursday, July 18th. I am probably going to be in Temecula at the time but may check it out locally–they are out here too!

Dead at 25 (Rant)
What would cause a successful 25-year-old programming phenom to take his own life?

It may have to do with the fact that many kids, of all nationalities, but specifically Asian kids, are sheltered by their parents so much that they don’t develop social skills. As their lives become more stressful (i.e. jobs, bills, etc.) they are also pressured, by these same parents that stunted their social growth, to marry. They are pressured to learn social skills at a time in their lives when most people’s social groups and skills are well developed. It’s like sending someone to learn to swim in the high seas instead of a swimming pool.

The bottom line, parents should teach and enforce social behavior in kids at an early age or, at minimum, not stunt their children’s social development.

“Relationships don’t kill people–people with no relationships kill themselves.”

Mama got a ticket today while parked in a legal spot. There were about four neighbors that came to the car’s defense and demanded to know why her car was being ticketed. The DPT guy said that he “didn’t want to ticket the car” but his supervisor said there was a complaint and it had to be ticketed. I believe that if people can get tickets within a legal spot it may offset the balance of peace within the city. We’ll see what happens in court–bastards!

Saw The Bourne Identity yesterday and was pleasantly surprised. The fact that an assassin is running from his employer, in this case the CIA, is nothing new. The twist to the story is that the guy doesn’t remember who he is. Matt Damon makes us believe that he truly doesn’t know what’s going on and that’s what gives the movie its most entertaining elements. As in every action film, there is a love interest that materializes out of thin air–but it’s an action movie–what did you expect. All in all it’s definitely worth seeing–four out of five stars.

This was the first 4th of July since 9/11. We took a nap in the afternoon and decided not to go see the fireworks downtown to avoid the big crowds and any possible extra explosions that may accompany the show, if you knwo what I mean. We stayed home, had fondue, and watched the fireworks on TV. Despite all of the hype on TV, we didn’t feel compelled to go out and celebrate this 4th of July in public, perhaps next year will be different. I’ll feel better once they find all of the other Al Qaeda members, or at least make it a little harder for them to enroll in flight school.

After watching E-Dreams a few weeks back, I thought I’d check out Startup.com. As interesting as this story was, it lacked the energy of E-Dream’s Kozmo.com story. Surprisingly, after govWorks filed for bankruptcy, the guys from Startup.com started another company to help dot-com’s deal with bankruptcy. That’s one smart way to make some money out of the dot-com bust.

“But, I have the Internet for daily news. I don’t need a TV.”

Maybe if you keep saying it over and over again you’ll believe it yourself. The truth is the Internet will not replace the TV anytime soon. After 9/11 for example, people flocked to TV to get the information about the event in graphic and shocking detail. It’s funny how the people that don’t have TV’s think that they don’t need it. But the truth is that deep down inside, when they are alone, and there is no one else around–they yearn for TV. This becomes painfully obvious when they visit their friends’ homes and feel the warmth of the remote on their frail and longing hands. They are so thrilled with the channels, the images, the sound that they sometimes drool and, inevitably, drop the remote.

Our society uses images and sound to communicate, and until there is another alternative, the TV is where it’s at.

I just read this article on a big explosion that happened on the Sun. Other than that it was a pretty uneventful day, really.